Understanding

Like all lessons in life, we aren't necessarily meant to understand them. We show God our faithfulness through acknowledgement and obedience. I feel as though I'm facing some sort of test. I've asked friends before if they believe God tests us. The answer is unclear from most. I'm not sure this test is coming from anyone but myself.

I've posted before on a recent "breakup". It has been the most hurtful, almost unbearable experience of my life. He left, this man I knew I would spend my life with, with no real explanation. Well, he has resurfaced. He openly admits he's seeing someone-else. For about a month now, he'll call on my way to work, email throughout the day or text msg. me. Not really wanting anything, just to chat. It is hurtful, to say the very least. My friends here love to tell me "don't answer, don't open the email, change your number" etc. Easier said than done. You see, I WANT to know what he wants, will say. I'm not over him. How can you be when you truly love someone? I was at my breaking point in December when I told him he couldn't call, email me and such anymore. I was at my lowest of lows, picking myself up off the floor-literally. I was abandoned by him and couldn't bear a "friendly" relationship. It just hurt too, too much. He respected my wishes for about 3 1/2 months and now he's started all over. I believe that when you love someone, the world around you kind of fades away...you don't feel the need to talk to other men, especially past relationships, right??? So, I've thought, "well, this new relationship must not be great...if he's calling me...". I can't help but wonder if he's realizing the Godly woman he gave up. It's probably not right, but I'm only human to wonder, right?

So, to the blogger world, my question is this: What do I do? I love this man, I really do, still. But this is not healthy for me and I know it. Why is he doing this to me? I'm working hard on being still. Listening to God. Waiting expectantly on Him to tell me if this man deserves a place in my life and what that place is. I'm asking God what He wants me to do each day. But at the same time, am I showing him a "pushover" (for lack of a better word) side of me? Is this a test of my own will or is God waiting to see how I handle this? So, since I'm still just trying out this blogging thing and I believe only M reads this (I think), any Godly wisdom and advice you have would be great right now...

Am I fragile right now? Yes. Discouraged? No. I know God is walking along side me and He'll be the only one to bring me through this journey.

(By the way, A-Day was today, 80, 000+ in attendance...RTR!)